It’s been a while since I wrote, but this season is weighing heavily on my heart…

Ever since I was little, I have ALWAYS loved back-to-school season. Going to the store for new supplies, figuring out how I was going to organize my classes (by color notebook or folder), learning, and seeing my friends every day. It was my favorite time of the year!

I’m sure when I was little,  I wanted to be so many things. However, the first thing I vividly remember wanting to be was an Orthodontist. Then I wanted to be a lawyer, a teacher, a forensic scientist, but here I am working in HR.

Not only did I love experiencing this, but I also loved seeing friends post their kids on social media with little signs about what grade they are in, what they want to be when they grow up, and what they love. I have looked forward to doing this with my kids.

As I sat and scrolled social media today, I realized kids are headed back to school holding their signs…

This would have been our year. Archer should have had a picture of him wearing a ginormous backpack, holding his little sign saying he would be in Kindergarten, talking about what he would want to be when he grew up, and all the things. Instead, he is sitting in his cove wearing a Flamingo bowtie around his urn.

Back-to-school season doesn’t currently hold joy, but heartache for who is missing. It holds sadness for not getting to experience what should be a huge milestone in my child’s life. There is pain.

Now, I don’t write this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I do feel like it’s important to share that even years after loss, it’s okay to grieve the small and big moments of life. Some days and seasons feel heavy, and honestly, some feel light and joyous. Grief doesn’t go away, but I’m continuing to learn to cope and feel.

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Here is Archer on his only “first day” that we got. This is when he went to daycare for the first time: