I will not lie; this week has been a HARD week for me.

We went to the ER with Archer three years ago yesterday (March 5th), worried about sickness. He was vomiting, but to the point that it was just stomach acid. I remember Theo coming into our room, panic showing all over his face (which if you know Theo, is something you don’t see unless something is genuinely wrong), telling me that we needed to go to the ER. After a quick discussion, we agreed to head to Children’s Hospital. I can’t say that was the most grueling day of Archer’s life, but it was definitely in the running for one of the tops. Looking back, this was the beginning of the end….

I don’t post a lot of hospital pictures or pictures from when he was really sick, but I just felt like I wanted to share some of my Squishy.

Today, I’m just trying to make it through the day, even though March 5th has already passed. I feel broken and a deep sense of grief. As much as I try not to think about it, the memories live ‘rent-free’ in my mind. All I want to do is evict them and not relive the feelings, fear of the unknown, and a genuine understanding of being scared – and the things we had to watch our baby go through.

We are currently trying to put happy faces on for some very exciting things in our family and friends’ lives. Don’t get me wrong, we are BEYOND happy for them. However, grief does funny things to a person.

I feel like inside myself, I have this little monster; he is forever stuck to the ground and cannot leave it. And the monster can see my happiness floating along past him. Because he wants to leave the ground so badly, he grabs it and holds on for dear life, hoping it will help him float away. But in reality, he just keeps the happiness from rising up and floating up so high.

I’m trying not to let the little monster win but to be overflowing with happiness. Honestly, some days, that’s hard.

If I can ask for anything from those that still read: prayers for peace would be so appreciated!