I wrote this blog back in November 2023, but it just never saw the light of day. While going through my drafts, I actually enjoyed this blog and wanted to share it. However, if I were to write it today, it would be different. Anything in italics are my thoughts or comments as of May 2024. 

As I was making my lunch of champions, Spaghetti-o’s, I just took a moment to look at our Aura, which houses many pictures of Archer that others took of him.

Spaghetti’o’s is probably NOT something I would consider a ‘lunch of champions’ for someone trying to be healthy and grow a baby in them. Haha

On the Aura, a picture popped up. It was when we took his 9-month photos in the hospital, and Archer and I both had such big smiles on our faces. I remember it was one of the ‘happy moments’ in the hospital. I was so proud that we hit this milestone. 

This is still one of my favorite photos of us, plus a few extra from the moment. It was one of the happiest moments I remember in the midst of what seemed to be such a scary state of the unknown.

Today, though, I think about what would happen over the next two weeks of his life. Then I look down at my growing belly and think about the time I had been pregnant with Archer, and my heart breaks. 

I often tell Theo how I felt Archer was truly the safest for these nine months of his life. I don’t know why, but for eight months of his life, he was perfectly fine (for the most part). 

I know I should be happy that we are getting to do this with another baby, but the sadness of Archer and memories with him can be overwhelming. 

Looking back, while I felt that the boys were safest in my belly, I am SO grateful they didn’t stay there. Knowing them, learning their personalities, and being able to interact with them genuinely are where my fondest memories are. I wouldn’t trade actually knowing either of my boys for anything. 

People ask how I am doing, and my answer is usually Exhausted. 

I’m not just physically tired, but this pregnancy is both emotionally and mentally exhausting. Theo and I tell people that we are ‘cautiously optimistic.’ 

While we 100% believe Stryder will be okay and healthy, it is hard to be excited like we once were with Archer. Once you experience the death of a child, it is hard to feel that you can ever feel the way you once were. Our blinders are off to the horrible things that can happen.

It’s still easy to feel cautiously optimistic. Today, I am handling motherhood better than we had expected. I don’t feel as ‘cautious’ as I once did, but I can live more in the moment and try to make the most of every day we are gifted with. 

This pregnancy and Stryder are an absolute blessing; I do not take it for granted. I think about the future with Stryder, and some days, I wish he would stay healthy and safe in my belly forever. I wish I could say that the blinders are still on, and I could experience the ‘beauty’ of pregnancy I once felt.

I don’t know if any parent can live with the expectation that their child will ALWAYS be okay. Whether they have to overcome a sickness, broken bone, hurt spirit, being bullied, etc., a child will never be 100% for their whole life. I’m choosing to live life knowing that I can only give my 100% to try and make my children’s lives as good as possible. They will always know they are loved unconditionally by their mom and dad.