Since our IVF consultation this week, I have felt a sense of exhaustion. No, not like I am tired and ready for bed (even though I can only sleep a few hours each night these days). I’m emotionally exhausted.

Our IVF consult went really well, but then Wednesday hit. About halfway through my morning, I just cried. Today, while driving home from work, I just cried.

I miss my child…

It’s starting to feel real that Theo and I will be able to have children again. This news has probably brought the most joy that I have felt in months. However, when reality sets in that you are going to be having children without your first love, the oldest child, and the light of your life, it hits like a freight train you never saw coming. At the moment, the freight train is not anger, frustration, or sorrow. It’s emptiness.

I miss my child…

One memory that has kept coming to my mind the past few days is sleepy baby Archer. Since he found his hands, he would always hold them. We even named his hands Bonnie (right) and Clyde (left) because they were thick as thieves and never left each other… that is until Archer was exhausted.

Bonnie and Clyde would finally separate when he reached exhaustion. Then Bonnie slowly made her way to his hair. He would start to run his hand through his hair, grab it, and play with it. He wasn’t always the nicest to his hair, and I would just say, “Buddy, you have to be nice.” He would look at me and smile, slowly closing his eyes.

I have always played with my hair when I am exhausted. It was a behavior he got from me. I miss Bonnie running through his long dirty blonde hair until he fell asleep.

I miss my child, and I’m exhausted.