Archer Floyd –

These last few weeks have been tough. My ‘Memories’ on my phone keep pulling up pictures of you. I still love seeing the pictures and videos of you and your life. It’s the ‘On This Day’ photos that crush me a little bit. We have entered the season of you in the hospital.

We do have many photos and videos of us playing, smiling, and being very happy. However, it’s still really hard to think that just one month from now, we will hit another full year of missing your presence. Parts of me relive the days that you were here, what happened in the hospital, and things that no parent should ever have to go through.

While I feel so blessed that we got six weeks with you from when you first went into the hospital, I feel cheated out of ‘normal’ with you. I feel family was cheated out of ‘normal.’

The pictures are tough; looking back, I can see you slowly getting more sick. I’m blessed that in the moment, I didn’t see that until your final days.

You have been gone one year and eleven months. This 12th month is, honestly, the most emotionally confusing ever.

My heart aches and longs for you to be here. I struggle with the trauma we went through. However, I find joy in thinking about your brother’s official entry into Earth. My heart and gut tell me you two would have loved each other, been best friends, and gotten into quite a bit of mischief together. These feelings bring me joy in this stormy season of life.

My head and heart are still trying to understand how to think and feel about entering the worst season of our lives and a very joyous season. It’s so confusing, and there is no way to describe it. I sit and sob one minute and am excited the next.

I am also finding things difficult when thinking about your brother, like whether I will be able to sing any of your favorite songs to him, play the same games with him, and bond the same way you and I did. You were and will always be my perfect little angel. You are why I want to be a mama so badly, but I want to be an excellent mama to all your siblings, too.

If I had just one minute to tell you anything, I would want to thank you for being you, a fantastic son, and that I love you so much.

Love,
Mama