I’m tired and discouraged, yet I must fight another uphill battle.

Lately, it feels like I have to go through every uphill battle to be able to have a living, healthy child. (Yes, Stryder is okay). However, there are so many tests with pregnancy and extra tests or scans with IVF babies.

Today, I failed one of those standard tests. (And I don’t want to talk about it, but at the same time, I do).

What does failing mean…more tests.

Tests that, if failed, could lead to results that aren’t the best thing for me or Stryder. What does it mean even more than that?
It means putting myself through something we had to put Archer through while his liver was failing.
It means understanding, in the slightest way, how a decision we made for him made him physically feel or what he went through.

Facing even a tiny amount of what Archer had to go through is bringing up a lot of really awful memories and feelings. Things I was hoping I would never really have to face again. Things I wanted put into the furthest back part of my mental closet, in a box, with a label saying “DO NOT OPEN.”

I know this all may sound petty because it’s a test that is easy to fail and not necessarily life-threatening. And I know I will do my best to ensure Stryder is as healthy as possible. But this all takes me to a very dark place physically, mentally, and emotionally from Archer’s life.

As a loss Mama, it’s hard to know with 100% certainty that you did everything right and that you didn’t cause your child any pain, especially when they are too little to tell you. I would rather be able to live with the unknown than question our decisions further.

I’m tired and discouraged about this next uphill battle. I want to be a mom, and I know that’s not easy either. However, it feels it shouldn’t be this hard, either.