I have always loved back-to-school season. No matter my age or what grade I was going into, I remember how I could not wait for school to start. Learning is something I have enjoyed my entire life.

After graduating, I still looked forward to back-to-school season. It was a pleasure to go on social media and see all the kids returning to school, their pictures, and holding the signs their parents made them stating what grade they would be going into. While it’s still one of my favorite things to see on social media in late August and early September, it’s also one of the hardest.

I know that Archer would not be of ‘school age’ if he were here on earth; however, Archer started going to daycare when he was about 3.5 months old. We called this school because he learned so much while there. He learned about different textures, played with toys and other kiddos, tried new foods, and much more.

I think about where Archer would be in school if he were still here. I wonder what he would love and what he would tell me about his days. Would he have loved to play outside? Would he have learned to love art class? Would he have loved story time, and what book would be his favorite? What would his favorite snack be? How many words would he have said? Would he color and hold a crayon himself? Would we think he is ‘ahead’ of his classmates because, obviously, we are biased and believe we have the most intelligent boy? (This one is an obvious “yes”).

Back-to-school season brings a lot of ‘what ifs’ or ‘would he’ questions up. This will get harder as the years go on. We will miss the milestones of him going to kindergarten and graduating. We will miss his first day of middle school and high school. We will never see him graduate and decide what would be next, and so on.

Back-to-school season will be hard for me even if and when Theo and I have more children. Because we will never know who Archer would have been, which is hard when you start thinking about this and your mind focuses on it.

Parents, please don’t stop posting your pictures. I really do enjoy them.

However, I’m jealous of the parents who get to send their kids back to school this season. I am sad I don’t get to make a beautiful sign stating the grade he would be starting and what he wants to be when he grows up.

Today, I feel sorry for myself and the things I am missing because we lost Archer…