Before I had any real experience with grief, I always thought it was linear. The first days would be the hardest, and it would all get easier with time. Boy, I was highly wrong. 

It comes in waves. This week, I feel the low and high tides. I feel the waves crashing against me and then still waters. 

Theo and I are blessed to be visiting family in Vegas. It has been a great time. Most of the time, we have been busy, which helps keep our minds occupied. However, when I start thinking about Archer, everything feels heavier than usual.

I don’t even fully understand why I feel this way. I don’t know if it’s because I subconsciously know he should be on this trip with us. I don’t know if because our Anniversary / Intergalactic Star Wars Day is coming up. (And if you know our Archer, he LOVED baby Yoda). Or it could be because Mother’s Day is so close, and I honestly dread that a little bit.

Not only do we have the waves of grief, but we have the waves of IVF. When you learn about IVF, no one tells you how many emotions you feel. No one tells you how long it takes to get anywhere in the process. Time and time again, 

Theo and I tell each other we wish we didn’t have to undergo IVF. We tell God often that we wish we could have kept Archer. We would have been BEYOND happy to have our one little guy healthy. It’s not our reality, but we are human. We wish our lives were very different and that Archer’s outcome differed. We wish we could understand why it had to be this way.

All this to say, today, my heart feels so heavy, missing my little guy. He is still our world; my love for him is so big. I barely think I know how to put into words how I am feeling. Writing helps me to sit, feel the crashing waves of feelings, and ride out the tides of my emotions.