Last week, someone at church stopped to say hello to me and chat. They said, “how are you doing?”. I looked at them and immediately said, “good” – a standard answer for me lately.

But they stopped me and said something along the lines of, “Are you?”, “Is that your real answer?”. I don’t remember exactly what they said because they surprised me. Someone genuinely told me that they wanted to know how I was doing. I know many people who read the blog genuinely want to know, but this hit me differently, and you may ask why.

After processing this myself, I realized it hit differently because I had a pretty lousy week emotionally.

First, we rolled into a new month, which means quickly we are approaching another month of Archer being gone. Plus, we are in the “holiday season,” where everyone is decorating their trees, listening to Christmas music, or starting shopping. Full transparency – Theo and I are still deciding if we are even decorating for Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

Second, I went to work on Thursday, which is almost always good for my mental health. I work under a fantastic manager that gets me and what I am going through. I have amazing coworkers that care and make me laugh throughout the day. I look forward to my Thursdays in the office. This last Thursday, I was going through some mail to shred documents, and I saw Archer’s name on an older benefits piece of mail. Seeing his name on mail and documents is something I struggle with. It reminds me of him, that he was alive, and that he passed all in one simple piece of paper. I held back the tears, so no one at work knew how much something so simple could throw me into a whirlwind of emotion. 

Third, I drove home from work alone that day. The car is a time of thinking and reflection. I thought about that document the whole ride home, so I was already struggling.

Fourth, I finally got home and started to walk into my house. I looked at the back of my house and saw Archer’s nursery window, as I always do. But this time, something stuck out to me – the drawstring of the blinds. Archer’s changing table was below this window, and as he grew older and discovered the world, he LOVED this drawstring. So much so that he would roll on the changing mat to try and grab it, making it difficult to change his diaper. Therefore, we would tuck it behind the blinds so he couldn’t play with it. Seeing that tiny drawstring reminded me of how funny and curious he was. 

Fifth, I have been painting a lot as I am getting ready to fulfill orders for Etsy (shameless plug: https://www.etsy.com/shop/AfterArcher), a potential little market appearance, and just some orders I have been contacted to make. Painting has been so good for my mental health, but I catch up on my TV shows as I paint. One drama came on, and it was one that I binged while I was on maternity leave with Archer. It’s a drama that is very action-packed. I didn’t find an issue with the show until the ‘mission’ scenes happened. The sounds in those scenes vividly brought back memories of watching little baby Archer snoring in his swing while I lay on the couch watching TV until I also fell asleep. (I tried to do that nap when baby naps thing to help catch up on rest). 

All of these things have caused small or big meltdowns. I’m so thankful for the memories that pop back into my head, like maternity leave or the blind’s drawstring, but it also reminds me of everything I am missing. 

Theo and my parents have been amazing to me over the last week, helping me get through the emotions and sadness, but this person at church asking me how I truly was doing meant so much, especially in the low week I had.

I’d encourage everyone to stop anyone, not just me, and ask how they are genuinely doing. You may never know how much it means to them based on what they are going through. 

I know everyone reading cares so much and wants to know how we are doing, which is probably one reason you read along. THANK YOU ALL for caring!