Theo and I have been attending a twice-a-month group of other parents who have lost their children. Through this group, we have been able to meet new people or stay connected with those we had already met who are all experiencing the loss of their child(ren). 

Theo and I were very nervous about going our first time. It’s an hour’s drive both ways, which is a commitment, but after attending our first workshop, we loved it. We were excited to keep going back.

We did a workshop called the “Broken Bowl.” Each of us got to select a little white bowl. The bowl was perfect, with no blemishes. It was meant to represent us with our children. 

We then placed the bowl inside a large zip-lock bag. We set it on the floor and put one foot lightly on top of the bowl.

SMASH! 

We got to hit our bowl with a hammer, and our bowl broke. This is precisely how Archer’s death hit me. The moment he passed, I became completely broken. I didn’t think it would be possible to pull myself back together. 

We then took each of the pieces and painted on the outside of them. What we painted is how we feel the world sees us.

• Bubbles – I think most people would have said I was pretty bubbly. I liked to be positive and happy.
• Piano – I play the piano on our worship team at church.
• Work logo – I love to work.
• Dungeons & Dragons – Theo and I started playing DND with friends a few years ago, and we love it. 
• Yoda – I’m proud to be nerdy and have married my husband on Intergalactic Star Wars Day. Archer also loved Star Wars.
• Wedding Rings – I am happily married to my amazing, kind, funny, talented, and loving husband.
• AfterArcher Symbol – Obviously, you know I blog. For some people, this is the ONLY way/reason they know me. It’s upside down, which is also fitting. My world turned upside down after Archer, which is why I ever started the blog.

The inside of the bowl is meant to have quotes, verses, or sayings that we are holding onto right now. Mine are just a few of the things that are keeping me together most days.

• “If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart – I’ll stay there forever” – Winnie the Pooh
• “Jesus Wept” – John 11:35
• “Sometimes you don’t realize your own strength until you come face-to-face with your greatest weakness” – Susan Gale
• “How lucky I am to have something that make saying goodbye so hard” – Winnie the Pooh
• “There is wonderful joy ahead, even though, you must endure many trials for a little while” – 1 Peter 1:6
• “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” – Matthew 11:28
• “Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified or discouraged for the Lord will be with you wherever you go” – Joshua 1:9

We then took the time to glue all our pieces back together to create as close to the original bowl as possible. I did pull myself back together after Archer; however, I am not the same person I once was.

Out of my bowl’s cracks, you will see gold, and I would say that out of my cracks, you will see the real me, everything I have learned, and everything I am using to keep myself together.

The whole bowl represents me. What you see on the outside, what I am holding to on the inside, and the things I am learning have held me together are all part of the ‘new’ me. 

However, I have a hole. 

This hole is where the hammer hit; this hole is Archer. It would have been impossible to put back the pieces of this part of the bowl, and it would be impossible for me ever to be who I was when I had Archer. No object, event, person, or child can fill this hole. My hole will never go away; it is a part of me.