Yesterday marked four months without Archer…

I woke up not feeling great emotionally, recognizing what the date was. I did my best to avoid those emotions all day. I stayed busy with church, lunch with friends, and a puzzle. 

If I could describe my most authentic feelings lately, the song Numb Little Bug says it well:

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die
Like you’re hanging on by a thread but you gotta survive
Cause you gotta survive

Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don’t really care
Like you’re fresh outta love but it’s been in the air
Am I past repair. 

(I want to be 100% clear, I am by no means suicidal when I say that these words describe my feelings. Even the song says it. I recognize people struggle with depression and suicide, and it is a real battle – I don’t want to minimize that. But after losing a child, I, personally, could NEVER leave my parents feeling the way I do).

So why do I think these words resonate with me so much? I feel numb, especially on the dates or days that mean I am just that much further from the moment my son left earth. He’s been gone almost half as long as he was ever alive.

I’m tired of life beating me down and breaking my heart. Losing a child is no accomplishment or feat but a living nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I’m just moving through the days, waiting for the Lord to return. And until he does, I am looking for daily happiness to spark. Never really sure if I will be happy.

However, the one thing this song doesn’t account for is my Joy. 

As I mentioned, I went to church yesterday and wasn’t feeling it. I would have preferred to stay in bed. When I left church, though, I was grateful I went. My pastor/cousin said yesterday, “Joy isn’t a personality thing; it’s a God thing. Joy is not elusive. It’s not a ‘what if’ thing because God never says anything he doesn’t intend to accomplish. Happiness is circumstantial, but Joy is not. God has given us a spirit of Joy.”

 My Joy is Jesus and the hope of eternity. I will live with Joy in my heart and pray that happiness comes daily. 

Right now, I feel like a numb little bug, but I am a numb little bug with enormous Joy. 

If you’re searching for Joy, I encourage you to check out this video (I am playing piano, in case you wanted to see how I get involved at our church):

Video credit: Shorepoint Church