One month has passed since Archer entered heaven.

One day without Archer was hard, and I thought it would be the hardest. I was wrong. Consumed with ‘what happens next’ and planning his Celebration of Life, I had no time to process that he was gone. The dust has settled, and Archer feels so far away.

“One more week,” I think as every Thursday rolls around. It is the most challenging day of the week, especially being reminded that so much time has passed since I got to see him, hold his hand, or kiss his face.

One memory that melts my heart is when Theo was hanging out with Archer on a Saturday morning while I got to sleep in. Theo was playing a computer game, had Archer on his lap, and Blippi was paying on the tablet. (Blippi was Archer’s favorite show). I woke up and walked down the stairs and heard them in the office. I peeked my head around the corner and, in a bright, up-beat tone, said, “Good Morning.” Archer quickly turned his head towards me, and the biggest smile appeared. My heart was whole.

One thing I am asked is, “how are you doing” and everyone will get the same answer. “Good.” Looking at photos or videos makes me miss seeing his smile or hearing his voice. Sitting at home or not being busy makes me think of all the times we cuddled or played. The minor things bring back memories that make me sad. I am not sorry that I remember or miss these things; I am sad that I don’t get the chance to make more memories and see Archer grow up. My brother said it well, “The struggle is real.” I have learned that it’s okay for me not to be okay.

One month until Archer should have been one year old.