There are longer lapses of time since my blogging… It’s not because I don’t have the emotions, thoughts, or words to say. I genuinely try to process my feelings, thoughts, and words. I’ve written a few blogs that never made it to the site, as I didn’t feel the words were “right.”
The holiday season is tough. We made it through Thanksgiving, and honestly, had a lot of fun and joy through it. However, there was a deep sorrow that also lasted around the holiday. A deep sorrow hung on my heart even without dwelling on Archer’s absence for long. My body and mind know that Archer should be here, but they feel his absence.
Around Thanksgiving, I was thankful for what I had. I remember just thanking God every day that Archer was here for a time, for the impact he made on us, the love we have, and the joy he is. I also pushed myself not to feel guilty about being thankful for Stryder.
I will never say that I am not blessed or thankful for Archer and Stryder (and any future children we have). But it’s hard to feel joy in the holidays when you also have a heavy heart for someone who is missing.
Christmas is around the corner, and while I am not ready, I have found a little more joy this year than last. I find myself singing along to Christmas music I hear in the stores, and last year, I didn’t even want to go to a store or mall to shop because I didn’t want to see everyone else’s joy.
We still don’t have a lot of decorations up in our home because we are just not ready. However, we did decide to decorate our fireplace and put up our stockings, including Archer’s. I keep trying to tell myself that “baby steps are okay.”
