After missing last month, I really felt the loss of Archer days leading up to the 14th of August. It wasn’t intentional or because I was upset that I missed last month, but the grief feels heavier this month. I have been looking down at my Samsung watch every day since the 11th, saying three more days… two more days… one more day… today.
Today, Theo and I attended Bo’s Heavenly Clubhouse’s grief support. We were still determining if we would make it because of the storms that were supposed to last all day (and it’s an hour’s drive for us). However, 4 p.m. rolled around, and Theo said we were going.
As we got in the car, I asked if he was sure we should go. Theo looked at me and said, “I know how much you want to go today,” he was right. I needed to go.
I want to describe today’s storms, which will make sense in a minute.
This morning, I woke up to it drizzling outside. We knew the storms would get more robust, and a few hours later, it felt like sheets of rain were coming down. Then it lightened up, and then it would pour down hard. The rain almost completely stopped in the early evening, and the sun peeked through the clouds (at least out in the country, it did). And as we drove home, it was so dark, and the heavy rain made me nervous about getting home. (Don’t worry, Theo is a great driver and got us home very safely).
My grief lately feels like this storm. Some days are average, and my heart is drizzling. There is grief, but nothing that would stop daily activities. There are moments in life, usually pretty short or around important dates and holidays, where my heart is so heavy that sheets of feelings pour out of my life. Sometimes, there are moments where the grief is so heavy that it feels as though I won’t make it through the storm, and I cannot see what is next or in front of me. However, there is sunshine or joy, and I don’t feel guilty about that.
Today’s storm feels like the perfect depiction of my grief.
Archer –
Your life was short, but your memory is forever. Today, your daddy and I were talking about some of our favorite little memories of you.
First, we love how you found so much joy in playing peek-a-boo, especially in the hospital. It was something that would always bring the biggest smile to your face.
Second, you loved when we blew a slight breeze in your face. Your eyes would squint, your mouth would open so wide, and you would grin. We would say, “Archer has the wind in his whispies” because your long hair would blow all over. It’s like it was almost tickling you.
We love all the memories we have to share with you. We miss you so much!
Love,
Mama
