Wow, what a week it has been…
I’ve cried every day this week. I have not managed to make it to any of my ‘social’ commitments. I’m learning that sometimes I can’t push myself. My sleep feels non-existent—the guilt sets in.
I was supposed to go to my small group for church on Tuesday, and I couldn’t do it. I texted the leader and told them I was having a rough day and could use prayer. She was so understanding, and she followed up, letting me know that the group was there for me, and they would cry with me, laugh with me, and keep me distracted if I felt I could make it. My heart felt warm, and I knew I was loved.
I feel okay saying ‘no’ this season. I feel better about staying home if I am having a rough day and can’t do it. I have a hard time feeling like I am not bringing others around me down. Theo, my husband, truly does understand how I am feeling. Being around him is my comfort zone. He is where I go when I say ‘no’ to things. He also is aware of my feelings.
He made me a hot cocoa today and asked if the ‘Mama Bear’ mug my sister-in-law gave me for Christmas last year was okay to use. I found this incredibly sweet and thoughtful, showing his awareness. I can’t say this enough; I couldn’t ask for a better husband.
After talking my feelings out, I am most likely sad because of feeling somewhat guilty. Theo and I had a good Thanksgiving overall. I thought it would be much more challenging this year than it was. Realizing that it was ‘good’ makes me feel guilty. Almost as if it either didn’t matter that Archer wasn’t there or that I didn’t miss him. (Which 100%, it did matter, and I did/do miss him). But I am learning my new normal, and it sucks feeling ‘okay’ about things when Archer should be here.
I know I’m emotional, but I’m learning about myself, my feelings, and how to navigate them each step of the way. So friends and family, please bear with me as I deal with the aftershock of losing Archer.
