That’s a great question. If you asked me in early 2022 who I was, the first thing I would tell you is that I am married to my husband, Theo, and a mom to the cutest little boy, Archer. (Yes, I am biased.)
Today, I would honestly tell you that I have no clue who I am.
When I found out Archer was sick, I was scared for the unknown. I was scared I would lose my son. I was afraid of what life would look like after he passed away. People would tell me that it would be okay, and I had to explain that outside of Theo and myself, everyone else got to escape this nightmare when they went home. We don’t get to escape… It all feels like a bad dream, and you cannot wake up. While I didn’t find being a mom easy, I found it fulfilling and the best title I could have in my life; in the blink of an eye, my son and title were gone…
When introducing myself to anyone I have just met, or even you, my instinct is to talk about my family, my son, and the things I love. However, the moment I mention I am a mom, the questions and comments flood in:
How old?
Boy or girl?
Enjoy every minute because time flies.
How do you tell someone I am a mom; they then ask about your child. I have two options: (1) either ignore the comment or (2) explain that my child passed away. It feels wrong either way. However, I want people to know Archer and the blessing he was and the impact he made in my life. (That’s why this blog exists: a one-way conversation for me to share my journey.)
I know I will figure out who I am again. But I would do anything if I could cuddle with him, see his smile, listen to him babble, play with him, or just hold his hand one more time…. I was a mom to one, but now a mom to none.
